After simmering for much of the week over Jeannie’s recent failure to confront Mr. Tea Party, I decided to display my anger as the centerpiece for this weekend’s visit. Civil, yet resolute—exactly as I wish she had been—I first verified that she was present when he made the hateful remark (“I HATE lesbians!”) but had said nothing. So my speech began:
“I don’t see why you didn’t let him know that members of your family, like your stepson, are gay—and that you don’t appreciate hearing remarks like that. You may not change his mind, but at least you could let him know that it’s not OK to say things like that around you.”
Jeannie, clearly uncomfortable and defensive, said, “Well, I didn’t want to engage him in anything. I was walking back to the house and didn’t want to spend time discussing it.”
No problem, I assured her. “It’s not too late; I’m sure you’ll be seeing him again, and maybe then you could take the opportunity to let him know how you feel. After all, if this guy had said “I hate Jews!” wouldn’t you let him know that your husband and stepson are Jewish, and that you don’t appreciate his bigoted remarks?”
Her response bordered on the willfully obtuse. “Well, I believe he already knows that Gene is Russian Jewish,” she simpered.
“That’s not the point! He’s insulting a member of your family, and even if you’re not part of the community yourself, you should let him know—"
“Well, I’m not a member of the community, so I guess I don’t feel that strongly about it.”
This one took me by surprise…while I know it’s true, I never expected her to be so open about her ambivalence. As there was no point in dragging it out, I said (feeling like a 70s political protester) “I won’t be treated like a second-class citizen by anyone, especially members of my own family.”
At this point Jeannie started talking about the weather. My dad stayed blissfully (or uncomfortably) detached from the whole discussion but I understood that his saying anything would just be throwing gasoline on the fire.
Later, I discussed the matter with my father’s enlightened cousin Ruth, who gave me some good advice: “I’m sorry to see you upset over this—because you know what she is—she’s a stupid, selfish woman who doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings. You know that, so why would you expect her to behave any differently?”
Ruth’s words were healing balm. Of course, I thought, what else should I expect from a narrow-minded, petty old woman who lives each day by the teaspoon?
But as for being stupid…I think maybe not. Jeannie’s mind functions well enough most of the time—rather than stupid I’d say she’s simply foolish. That combined with a lack of empathy and consideration adds up to a pretty ugly package.
