My almost favorite second-rate author, W. Somerset Maugham, once wrote that the real tragedy of love is not death or separation, but indifference. He may have a point, but seems to have forgotten about the broad range of couples who stay together while actively loathing each other.
I’ve known some of these people; others I only heard about. My great aunt and her husband endured over 30 years of shouting matches, insults, betrayals—the whole gamut of negative emotion—yet never considered divorcing. This was back in the day when divorce was social death; the only option was to see who would croak first, and good riddance. (In this case, it was him.) My great aunt told me that she had a premonition, right before his fatal heart attack, that he was going to die but didn’t worry much about it, only calling the doctor after it was too late.
You might think these arrangements are a relic of the past now that divorce (or simply moving out) is so commonplace. But they continue—in fact, we had dinner with one such couple only last night. What drew them together, late in life, is anyone’s guess, but their reasons for staying married are painfully clear. The husband has no income and isn’t eligible for social security; his wife has a small pension and social security, so he depends on her for his survival (not to mention the cooking and cleaning—after all, this is the man who once announced to her during an argument that he is “the captain of the ship, in charge of all executive decisions,” and that she, as the wife, needs to learn her place.)
Why would any sane woman put up with such a jerk? She has a number of friends and family members who would gladly help her escape. But there’s a catch: the husband has a rich childless aunt, worth millions, he says…and he’s convinced that when Auntie goes to her reward, he’ll get a nice chunk of the estate. All she has to do is to die, which they’ve been counting on ever since she turned 90. She’s now over 100 and still in pretty good shape.
And that’s why this couple is still together: the guy needs his wife for now, but if and when he inherits anything, he can dump her. Meanwhile she is determined to get part of the inheritance, which she can only manage by staying married to her obnoxious husband. They’re not even sure if their names appear in the aunt’s will, but the assumption is strong enough to keep them in the same household; they even make costly long-distance pilgrimages each year to pay their respects and carefully inquire about her health.
I suppose that after a certain point, many marriages are based at least partly on convenience, if only as shield against loneliness and financial devastation. With luck, people still enjoy each others’ company, or at least don’t irk one another too much. My parents have been annoying each other for years, but generally keep things at a low boil. Now that they’re old, I realize that their respective weaknesses are almost complementary, and that neither one could manage alone.
My father told me more than once that what keeps him going is a combination of antidepressants and the ability to “tune out” his garrulous wife. I've noticed there are times he doesn't even hear her, much less listen to what she’s saying. For that matter, I suspect she doesn’t really listen to herself—but is just trying to fill the silence. Meanwhile, they both wait….
