There’s a guy in my parents’ mobile home park—a wildly obnoxious curmudgeon—who’s referred to by other residents as “Mr. Tea Party.” Based on the updates I hear regularly, his behavior runs the gamut from merely annoying to outrageous. He hews steadfastly to the Fox News editorial line, sharing those opinions with anyone who will listen. But does he listen to other people? Of course not—he’s right and everyone else is wrong.
Jeannie made a point of telling me of his latest escapade during the senior fitness class many residents attend. One of the exercise videos features a short-haired, athletic woman who Mr. Tea Party has decided is a lesbian. When her video came up, he left the room, grumbling to himself. Afterward, someone innocently asked him why he'd left, and he said, “Because the woman in that video is a lesbian, and I HATE LESBIANS!” he said.
The other person responded, “Well, how do you know? And who cares?” To which he snorted: “I know. I can tell.” And as usual, the other residents just shook their heads.
Hearing the story, I asked Jeannie if she’d thought about saying anything to him—after all, she’d stood up to him once before when he was denigrating President Obama. But she said no, it wouldn’t do any good. I then said, “Well, maybe you could introduce me to him, and I’d be happy to say something.” But Jeannie declined that offer, reminding me of my (formerly) “vitriolic tongue.”
“But why would that matter?” I asked. “I could put him in his place and then you wouldn’t have to deal with him.” Well, said Jeannie, it wouldn’t be good for neighborly relations—after all, he lives right across the street. “And,” she added, “sometimes he brings us our Sunday paper and puts it up on the porch, so we wouldn’t want to alienate him.”
I didn’t know what to say to this, but it didn’t sit well. As I thought about it later, I wondered what exactly would prevent her from making a point, even civilly. How difficult would it be for her to tell Mr. Tea Party that she has a gay step-son who helps her out almost every week, and that she doesn’t appreciate his remarks?
Could it be that maybe Jeannie herself is less than comfortable with the whole issue? Or just not willing to take a stand on a topic that’s not especially close to her heart? Thinking about it more, I remember how she called me during the hotly-disputed Proposition 8 campaign, asking if my partner and I stood to lose any of our current benefits if it passed. When I told her that we would lose the right to get married if we chose to do so, but that our existing rights would likely remain, she seemed satisfied. “That’s good then. I just wanted to make sure that your current rights wouldn’t be affected.”
Affected by her voting yes on Proposition 8? I wondered. Speaking with my father afterward, I found out that indeed, that was exactly her intention, even though he was “trying to convince her” to be more open-minded. Ultimately, I doubt that he succeeded.
It’s an interesting concept. While Jeannie pays lip service to equality and fairness, in her heart, she appears unwilling to alter her traditional understanding of “marriage.” As easily as she mocks the extremist in her midst for his ludicrous opinions, it seems that her own views may not be so different. And what about my choice—do I insist that she update her attitudes and advocate for true equality, or do I keep the peace by letting her stay in her comfort zone? It’s a hard call, and for now I’m not sure what to do.
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