Fight! Fight!

Nothing clears the air like a good argument.  A sudden, therapeutic release of negative energy and everyone feels better.  That’s how it’s supposed to work, right?

Jeannie and I finally had it out; months of resentment and occasional snide remarks gave way to a full-on brawl, minus the physical contact. Unfortunately for all of us, it started on Father’s Day and culminated on my dad’s birthday, shedding new light on the concept of "special occasion.”

I’d mentioned beforehand that I planned to pick up my dad on the morning of his birthday for an appointment at the DMV (to replace his expired license with an ID card), followed by brunch. She heard me, but automatically assumed that she would be going as well. When I informed her on Father’s Day that I was planning to take him alone, things got ugly. “Don’t exclude me, don’t EXCLUDE me!” she cried. Besides, she added, there were a couple of errands she needed me to do, like going to the bank and the post office.

Nothing doing, I said. She hadn’t mentioned those errands earlier, so I told her she’d have to make other arrangements. And I wanted to spend some quality time alone with dad on his birthday. I imagined that would be the end of it (I have a lively imagination).

When I arrived to pick him up, they were both waiting at the door; I could see the anxiety on his face, while she was darting back and forth like a boxer preparing to lunge. Before I was halfway up the stairs, and faster than someone can say, “Happy Birthday,” the yelling started.

“I want you to know how UPSET I am at what you’re doing!” she shouted.  “This is so inconsiderate and thoughtless, and I want you to know how I feel!” I waved away an imaginary cloud of mosquitoes and said, “Let’s not discuss it now, this can wait.”

“NO IT CAN’T! I want you to know how I feel, and Gene has some things to say to you too. He’s going to talk to you about how upset you’ve made me. You’re being very selfish.” 

At this point, I decided to hit back. “Selfish? Look who’s talking! We’re at your beck and call, doing your errands every week and you don’t even think about our time and energy. And I hope you enjoyed the Father’s Day lunch we treated you too—you never even said thank you.”

More shouting ensued. I accused her of ruining my dad’s birthday; at one point I bowed deeply, saying, “Of course, your majesty, your needs are the only ones that matter,” and finally my dad and I left. My mouth was parched and I was shaking.

At that moment, my concern was for him. He slumped in the front seat of the car, and when I asked him how he was, he shrugged. “Oh, we’ve been yelling at each other for the last couple of days.” I apologized for causing the upset; I didn’t want him to be the recipient of her rage and assured him it was between her and me. But of course, it wasn’t.

Our visit turned out well. We finished early at the DMV, and I took him to the office to meet my co-workers. He perked up at the friendly attention. At brunch, I asked him if he had anything he wanted to say (or had been directed to say); but he said no, nothing. I also mentioned that he might get her to shut up by threatening to leave her, and that he could stay with us for a while. “That occurred to me,” he said. “But I wouldn’t want to do that to you.” Still, I could see how easy it would be to persuade him to leave, once and for all, at the tender age of 87.

Truce

But no. It would not be easy and we all know it. In the end, I took him back home to find that tempers had cooled considerably. We were all cordial—and the next time I called to discuss the weekend grocery list with Jeannie, the conversation was friendly, as if nothing had happened.  But it did happen, and will probably happen again unless we manage to decide calmly on an unsupervised visitation plan. 

Going Down...

A medical appointment last week revealed that my father has dropped about seven pounds in the last 3 months. While some people might regard this as cause for celebration, in his case, going from 114 to 107 lbs without trying suggests something more insidious may be happening. For the record, he stands at about 5'-5 so is seriously underweight.

Yes, old people shrink. Muscle mass evaporates along with bone density, but this kind of weight loss in a short time is troubling. The obvious concern would be some kind of malignancy, so of course the doctor ordered more tests. But the issue could be much simpler: my father has been eating less and less, requesting very small portions and becoming pickier about certain foods. It doesn’t help matters that my stepmother’s cooking ranges from merely uninspired to god-awful.

It occurred to me that his giving up food could be part of his general trend of giving up. Maybe not an active suicide plan, but then again…maybe. He’s about to turn 87; he knows that his memory is slipping away. Moreover, he is still aware of how much worse things are likely to get—so maybe this is his way of avoiding the most miserable phase of his life—the indignity of having someone put diapers on him, of having to be fed and bathed. Who would willingly sign up for that?

Elderly white males in our culture have the highest suicide rate of any group.  Losing control, being dependent on others is anathema to most traditional men who have spent their lives being in control and having others depend on them. My dad is one of those guys.  

True to form, Jeannie doesn’t get it. She thinks he just “isn’t being practical.” “Not using common sense.” She ascribes everything to his “lifelong pattern of negative thinking.” Her solution, frequently voiced, is that he should just snap out of it and be more like her. She often remarks that he’s in good enough shape physically—better off than most men his age, so why can’t he just try harder?

She may be in denial, and also has a lot to lose if he dies. Naturally, she doesn’t want to be left alone, with nobody to chatter at. And she would suffer financially, standing to lose half of his pension, which I'm guessing is her primary concern. Maybe she even wonders if I would continue to be as willing as I am now to help her with shopping and errands. (Let me take this opportunity to pledge that I will not be very available, and don’t plan to help out more than once a month at best.)

Here’s another promise: I may not ask my father directly about his intentions, but will give him my full support if he chooses to leave this world.  I do “get it” and while I couldn’t bring myself to actively help him end his life, I'll do whatever else I can to make his journey easier, wherever it may lead.

Dad & I

Who Am I?

Just days after moving here from Southern California, my father’s identity was stolen. Actually, he gave it away willingly, tricked by one of those scam artists who phones elderly people pretending to be a helpful representative from their bank. “All we need is for you to verify your social security number so we can reverse this unauthorized charge to your account.” As the big red Staples button says, “That was easy;” even people without dementia might have been suckered.

I tried to be optimistic about it, saying that if we posted a fraud alert to the credit reporting agencies and notified Social Security, then not much would happen. The woman at the social security office sighed sympathetically as I was explaining the situation. “Oh, they’re so trusting. This happens all the time,” she said.

 

For a few months, we heard nothing more. But last week a Medicare billing notice came in for services rendered somewhere in Massachusetts.  My dad’s shaky, all-caps message on the bill held a pathetic appeal: “FRAUDULENT CHARGE” and “NO SERVICE PROVIDED.” He looked deflated as I told him that there may be more such notices, along with fraudulent credit card bills and so on.  I decided not to mention that collection agencies could start calling.

ID theft is a huge problem and promises to get bigger. The combination of a rotten economy and a growing multitude of confused old people with good credit means that increasing numbers of these young operators will be gathering like piranhas.  Identity thieves are hard to catch, and even when they are caught they face far lighter sentences than someone committing robbery, for example—although the sums they get away with are usually much larger. 

My parents, like most elders, are a disaster waiting to happen. Their penchant for writing checks in public all but screams, “Take my money! Please!” It’s as easy as snapping a quick photo from behind using a cell phone camera; all the thief needs is the routing number at the bottom of the check in order to create new checks with a different name.  A person’s entire account can be emptied in no time.

Until recently, my stepmother was leaving checks in their mailbox to be picked up (one of them was made out to the IRS in pencil because she couldn’t find a pen that day.) We’ve insisted she stop doing that, and now letters are taken to an actual post office.  But solving one problem sometimes leads to another. After years of resistance, she started using a debit card and is now a convert.  That also carries some serious risks, so I imagine it’s only a matter of time before someone swipes her info, makes a new card and begins plundering her account.

It’s a losing battle, and can take many forms. Fraudulent lawsuits are another way people scam the elderly. One 90-year-old woman I knew was sued by her next door neighbors for “water damage” to their basement even though there were no leaking pipes, just some random moisture that may have seeped in from the street above. The woman was so distraught that she had a nervous breakdown and ended up first in the hospital, then a nursing home for the rest of her life.

Maybe the wise old ones had the right idea: buy what you need, and use cash whenever possible. And trust only those people you know.

Not

Hot Chocolate Talks

Getting my dad to come out with more than one sentence at a time these days is no easy task. Like “Silent Cal” Coolidge, president in the year of Gene’s birth, he speaks mostly when spoken to, and then just enough to get by. If pressed, he’ll say he has nothing to say, or that Jeannie talks enough for both of them.  That too, is an understatement. Jeannie chirps randomly, canary-like, about whatever she sees in front of her or makes pointless observations regarding their neighbors in the mobile home park.

Once a month or so, I’ve arranged for some “quality time” alone with Gene, usually over hot chocolate from the in-store coffee bar. These are about the only times I can have anything remotely like a conversation with my dad, discussing old memories, which are far more vibrant than whatever happened yesterday. 

Some of the stories are familiar; he’s told them to me before, but now I no longer interrupt him to say “Yes, you already told me that,” as I would have a few years ago. His life, the good and bad of it, is so much in the past that essentially there’s not much else to talk about.  My father’s present is almost as bleak as his future, if not more so; at a certain point it makes sense to look back exclusively.

Gene’s emotions, never close to the surface, bubble up as he recalls events from over 75 years ago. Talking about his childhood dogs, for example (the German shepherd poisoned by a hateful neighbor, or the small, short-haired mix killed by a car while he was walking on a country road) brings fire and unusual animus to his eyes, his voice.

“That bitch, Vera Yampolsky. She was half blind, shouldn’t have been driving in the first place.” He mimics the specter of an old crone crouched over the wheel, squinting straight ahead.  “I was walking on the shoulder of the road with Skippy, and she didn’t see us. She veered across the road toward us and I jumped out of the way just in time but she ran right over my dog. She barely missed me, and never even knew she’d hit anything.” He wipes his eyes quickly.

“I guess that’s something you can never forgive,” I say. Shaking his head: “No.”

I bring up another topic I know will animate him—the story of the two brothers who grew up together in the same town as my father, who farmed adjoining land and raised families next door to each other. At some point each brother realized he was in love with the other’s wife. After a while of pretending that nothing was going on, the families decided on a novel solution: the two brothers just swapped houses and the kids got to choose where they’d live. And who said the the sexual revolution was born in the '60s?

Sometimes I venture to ask about more intimate topics, things we never really discussed. I ask if he remembers his first girlfriend. He tells me her name, mentions that she was a nurse who lived in New York. Was that before or after the war? Before, he tells me.

He seems reticent, less willing to discuss these memories with me, and more comfortable recalling the world of his childhood; I accept his need for privacy, knowing there are some memories I, too, prefer to keep to myself. As long as the memories are kept somewhere, all is well. 

Portrait of My Young Friend.

Meet my good buddy, Dorian. He’s about 60 and has barely reached middle age, if you’re to believe him. Dorian plans to live at least another 60 years, and will tell you that not only is he going to reach his 120^th birthday, but will remain active and healthy—pretty much as he is now.

In fairness, I have to say he’s in great shape.  He exercises like a hamster on methamphetamine; no doubt he can run faster and farther than I could, even though I’m almost 11 years younger. His arteries are practically free of plaque and calcification—he knows this because he paid to have a virtual angiogram done and proudly informs people that his vessels are like those of a 25-year-old. His eating habits are pure Berkeley: oatmeal, for its fiber; flaxseed and walnuts for their lignin, tomatoes as much for the lycopene as for the pure joy of eating a tomato.  He consumes more fresh fruits and vegetables every day than many people eat in a week. Whole grain bread with olive oil. Now and then he enjoys organic chicken breast, skinned, of course. Seafood rarely appears on the menu, and it must be sustainably fished and local. He hasn’t touched butter or cheese in years. Ice cream? Bite your tongue. No added salt. No coffee, but plenty of herbal tea and just occasional red wine (strictly for health reasons.)

The attention he pays to diet and exercise will certainly help him live to ripe old age, barring accidents. Still, I imagine how fun it would be to pop Dorian’s balloon by sharing with him the simple facts about the aging process and how it affects the human body, no matter how healthy.  

I could tell him, for example, that his renal function is currently about 30 percent lower than it was when he was 25. Maximum heart rate is 35 fewer beats per minute. His hearing and vision are now less acute: the aging eye reacts more slowly to sudden changes of light, which can be especially dangerous while driving. Lung capacity, liver function and muscle mass are all reduced from when he was in his prime. But I don’t tell him any of these things; there’d be no point other than to annoy him: he’s a man on a mission—to live almost forever—and genetics be damned.

It’s not a uniquely American phenomenon, this quest for youth and health, but as with many things, we always seem to raise the bar a few notches. Think yoga. Remember the aerobics craze. High-powered juicers. (And I still run across those electric yogurt-making machines now and then at garage sales, right next to the rusted stationary bike).

Our worship of youthful energy, new ideas—the latest thing—seems to go hand in hand with our disdain for anything associated with aging. Never mind what “we” think of sagging, wrinkled skin and gray hair. Older people are not usually revered for their wisdom here, and tend to be viewed as more problem than solution. Ask any 58-year-old who’s been laid off how easy it is to find a new job.  And as unfair as it sounds, who can blame the employer?  Who wouldn’t opt to hire the energetic 30-something worker bee, with his more recent training and up-to-date skills, who will probably do the job faster and for less money?

As Bette Davis said, “old age is not for sissies,” and that holds especially true in the US. With the approaching tsunami of aging boomers, I predict that the once-fierce battle of the sexes will soon become the war of young versus old—and I don’t imagine it will go well for us.

Oh Joy, Oh Rapture!

Well, I’m still here, along with all the people I care about and those I don’t; the big day came and went, but near as I can tell the world is still overstocked with true believers. In a sense, I’d almost hoped there was something to the whole rapture thing—just the thought of an evangelical-free world gave me a brief thrill—the same feeling I get from buying a lottery ticket, even though I know I won’t win. But maybe, I think.…

Talking with my dad and Jeannie about the recent fervor, I knew what kind of response to expect from him. “Please—let them go,” he said. Even my stepmother, although nominally a Christian, thought the idea was silly. “Isn’t this the 10^th time or so something like this has been predicted? Anyway, I’m not ready to go” she added.

My father’s total lack of religious impulse was transferred to me early on, without a hitch. When I was about 5, I remember wondering why we didn’t go to church, and asked if “we” believed in God. “I don’t,” he answered. “But I won’t tell you what to believe. You can decide that when you grow up,” almost guaranteeing that I would adopt his attitudes.

Later, there were a few harmless flirtations—a short-lived involvement with a Christian youth group, mostly to hang out with my friends. Sensing danger, my dad then introduced me to our local Unitarian church, which for the uninitiated is a church in name only. I felt at home with the humanist, often humorous messages from the pulpit; the calls for social action and fairness made up for the silly bowdlerized hymns, any reference to Jesus or the trinity carefully plucked out.     

Traditional wisdom holds that people become more religious as they age; in fact, that turns out to be largely a myth, according to surveys. I see my parents giving the same amount of attention (or lack of it) to matters of faith that they always have.  My dad, normally tolerant of others’ foibles, has often referred to religion as an addiction, no different than any other drug.  The other day, I mentioned the gullible souls who have been paying $135 per pet to obtain “post-Rapture pet insurance” from certified atheists, who promise to care for abandoned animals once their guardians have been whisked off to glory. “Isn’t it funny how people believe that stuff?” I asked. “Actually it’s pathetic,” he grumbled.

For her part, my stepmother feels some kind of faith is crucial. These declarations, which come out whenever the topic is raised, always start with a preamble: “Well, I’ve always felt that people need to believe in something greater than themselves…” or words to that effect.  She is hard pressed to explain why such a need exists, but maintains that it’s just what she believes. I guess religion is like that—no real way to explain it rationally.

Or maybe it can be explained: life’s pain and uncertainty inspire some to imagine that there must be something better ahead, a reward for playing the game well, or at least a sense that mysteries will be solved and questions answered.  The universe is a big, lonely place; it’s easy to feel lost. No wonder people create cosmic roadmaps and hand them out at every corner.  But I think I’ve found my own map, with a pretty straightforward message:  

Kindness of Strangers

Another Saturday, another grocery store.  Even though it’s just a few dozen yards from our “regular” supermarket, I welcome the change of atmosphere. There’s a smaller crowd at Raley’s (most likely because it’s more expensive;) the insistent, perky background music is set to a lower volume, and the staff seems more genuine—they’re not ordered to smile at all the customers and ask us how we’re doing today, as are the employees at Safeway.  

We are at Raley’s this time because of its proximity to Ross Dress for Less, where my parents asked to be taken first. Our departure from the normal routine feels drearily predictable. My father has been told that he can buy a belated Mother’s Day gift for my stepmother; she’s written down the exact items, style and colors that she wants and gives my dad the note, along with cash to make the purchases. While there, she decides she’ll buy a Father’s Day present for him; after careful questioning, she opts to get him a new belt and some underwear.  To make things simpler, she also chooses her own clothes.

While waiting for Jeannie to try things on, my dad and I stand silently amid the racks and bustling shoppers. I ask how he’s doing and he shrugs, says “Oh, the usual.” It’s hard to get much more out of him. “Man of few words,” I joke.  He offers something more: “She always asks me what I’m thinking…sometimes I’m not thinking anything.” He pauses. “And other times I don’t want to tell her what I’m thinking because she won’t like it.”

Purchases made, we head across the parking lot to begin the grocery shopping. Notwithstanding the challenge of a different floor plan, we locate the same products they buy every week. The only moment of excitement occurs in the vegetable aisle, when Jeannie insists on getting a bell pepper, over my father’s objections. “You still have some from before,” he says. “It’s almost gone,” she counters. “We just used some the other night.” My dad speaks up, “Just don’t give any to me.”

Jeannie knows my father hates bell peppers but she uses them in her cooking regardless. Whatever she likes, she prepares, and vice versa. She loathes potatoes, even though he enjoys them—so of course, they’re never served. I asked once why she couldn’t just pop a single potato in the microwave for my dad, and she moaned, “It takes so long to stand there, scrubbing potatoes, I just can’t do it anymore.”

Nearly an hour later, and we’re at the checkout.  And something remarkable happens, at the end of a mundane shopping trip. A burly middle-aged man walks up to me, smiles. “Your parents?” he asks. I nod. He smiles again and says, “I’ve been watching you with them.  My dad’s about the same age, and…” He struggles to finish. Finally he taps his chest lightly, looks me in the eye and says, “You’re doing a good thing.”  Or maybe he doesn’t actually say the words and I understand what he’s thinking.  Either way, I whisper, “Thank you,” as we turn to leave.

It feels good, getting that kind of validation from a stranger.  Most of the time, even when my parents tell me how much they appreciate my help, I still focus on the inconvenience, feeling taken for granted.  This guy could have just smiled to himself without saying anything, and for me it would have been just another day at the supermarket…but this day I plan on remembering.